It’s been a while since I’ve posted: I’ve been stressing over assignments and stuff that I felt too stressed to address. But I’m finally moving forward with work and moving on from breakdowns, so I decided to share an unfinished poem I’ve been working on (one of many). I know that this work-in-progress is based on the most ridiculous, senseless worries imaginable but please bear with me while I vent.
One year gone,
Expectations are set,
The pressure is on,
Can they ever be met?
I’m falling so behind from
Stupid ‘keeping up’ worries,
I feel like a dud of a bomb
Sat long forgotten and buried.
I see their hopes dashed,
My mind’s dark prophesy,
My fragile heart is smashed
By what my ego dreads to see.
My paralytic fear claws to take control,
As I struggle an’ squirm to get out of this damn hole.
I feel like I’m being crushed in a vice after doing well in my first year at university. Lecturers and friends seem to think I’ll do well and be one of the top of the class which really doesn’t seem fair to me. My grades last year mean nothing since they don’t count towards my degree, and the assignments will only get harder. I know I’ll need to work much harder to even maintain my grades but I am one of the worst when it comes to procrastinating.
I have trouble keeping up with the massive reading list as it is without decent essays requiring even more time and planning. The reading takes me much longer than it should (when I eventually get around to it). Lately I seem to default to a slow, close reading of the texts which leaves me with little free time. I feel like it’s all downhill from here since I was struggling to even survive last year.
It doesn’t help that I’m failing to meet my own expectations in other areas. How can I deal with other people’s hopes in me when I’m already disappointed with myself?
I’m encouraged to start using LinkedIn for a practical/realworldy unit, as well as make a “professional” Facebook profile if I want to be a writer. I’m a very private person, I don’t want to share everything about my life with the people I’ve met and added out of obligation. I haven’t properly used Facebook in years because I only like sharing certain things when I feel like it, and only in certain ways like talking to people I like or sharing my feelings here now when I’m still pretty much anonymous.
Thanks for bearing with me.
I know that I’m worried about nothing and that every student probably has similar feelings at times.
I know I’m capable of forcing myself to focus, sometimes, and that I can just start making brief plans for essays weeks in advance so I can relax a bit more. I know the right things to do to be a good student, and that even if I don’t do them I’d probably be okay. I know I’m good at working under pressure and that I can still proofread properly when I’m in a hurry. I know I’ve never been late with an assignment or been a dead weight during group work, and produced good quality work at the cost of a few hours sleep.
But I still worry, because I’m stupid like that. And worrying leads to situations that make more worry.
And instead of just taking a few deep breaths and doing a bit of work each day, I avoid my problems and create more problems.
Hopefully I stop that.